A Month Of Downs And Ups

 

 

A whole month....that's how long since i've posted something here.  That's not like me at all and of course there's a reason.  Stress. Emotional turmoil. Sadness.  Four weeks of quite horrible feelings.  When you are sissy and the femininity within you is not happy then it's impossible to be able to write a blog.  Miss must have noticed...and i am sure you all have too...the lack of blogs from me.

 

Before Christmas Miss gave me an implicit instruction, an order. 'You need to find yourself a new Mistress sissy'.  She meant it.  What i failed to interpret was that She also meant that if i did that then it would be over between us.  i did exactly what She said and 'found' a new Mistress.  We have had a meeting, overnight, where i was sexually humiliated.  There really is no need for the details, Miss knows them all anyway.  At that time i genuinely felt that Miss had given up on me and had had enough of my girlish sissiness. Was She really sending me a message that She wanted me to stop being a sissy? Was She hoping that She could 'get it out of my system'? i just don't know.  The truth is however that i am a sissy and i simply can't be anything else emotionally or sexually.  To not be true to yourself is not me being me.  In the days after my meeting with 'The Mistress' Miss and i sank to an all time low.  It certainly looked over.

 

Confusingly though, Miss and i had three wonderful lovemaking sessions during which She dressed erotically and, just like before, verbally and mentally humiliated me to orgasm.  In one of those sessions Miss again fucked my sissy pussy with a black dildo after having made me wear my butt plug.  The sex was wonderful but my mind and feelings were doing cartwheels of confusion.  She wanted to end it right?  She wanted me gone right? She was possibly going to leave Herself right?  It's all that we seemed to be doing, arguing, getting angry yet.....in all of those days She was still willing to have great sex with me....i could not make any sense of it.  i loved Her but did She love me...i mean really love me? 

 

To me it seemed like Miss had had enough of my femininity.  At Her most upset She would say some truly cutting things.  i think that those things were Her frustrations and of course i was the rightful target.  It is very difficult to look through the eyes of someone else but it should be very easy to do it if the eyes are of the person you love so much and that you know you will never find anyone to love more.  My sissiness is my sexuality.  i do not feel right unless i am wearing women's lingerie. i cannot be anyone other than the sissy i am. 

 

Then the next bombshell.  Miss found my profile on a dating site and it was from that site that the other 'Mistress' made contact with me.  More anger from Miss, more hurt, more arguing, more grief, more feelings pained.  Again, i had failed to understand the true meaning of what Miss said when She told me to find another Mistress.  She meant that if i did then it would be over between us.  Yet.....it seems now that it is not over and does confusion reign once more or has an understanding, an acceptance, finally been reached?  The 'other' Mistress is not who i love.  The 'other' Mistress will go.  The 'other' Mistress is simply a manifestation of the horrible month we had...yet...She is still there...She is still there because i am a sissy and....She is still there because i don't know if the Miss i want to be with forever really wants to be my Miss at all?  i want to lose Her, i want...i need Miss to tell me to lose Her......or has another way just made itself apparent?

 

'How would you feel if I took a lover'?

 

OMG! 

 

Those were the words Miss said to me on Saturday evening.  Words i have longed for....yearned for and hoped to hear Her say - or something similar.  My mind is in a bit of a blur right now and i hope you can understand why but i think i can recall Miss adding to that statement, or was it before the statement....something along the lines of 'since it's quite obvious this is how you are going to be all the time'.  She was referring to how i was dressed but more than that, my sissiness, the fact that i am a sissy and that's how i will always be. 

 

You may already be aware that we have played in the past.  Miss has had arranged one nighters with various Bulls. Some of those experiences have been wonderful for Her and some have been less than wonderful.  i don't think She ever wants those type of flings again.  i think She wants something more permanent, more satisfying, more exciting and more fulfilling  - on a regular basis and totally in Her control. 

 

 So why.....why did She say this and what was She saying it for?

 

1. Miss wants a lover.  Straightforward and simple.  Why?  Isn't that obvious?!  Although i have not asked Her that question.  Do i need to?

 

2. Miss wanted to test the water with my reaction and my reaction/response would help Her make Her own mind up.

 

As soon as She said it i felt my little clit stir and wetness in my panties.  Shocked, stunned, aroused, totally on the back-foot and for a few seconds, unable to speak.  Was this for real?  i think it was.  i probably went off on a total ramble of utter nonsense when i replied but i did my best to try and explain five very important issues for me should Miss 'take a lover'.

 

1. She can't run off with someone - ever-ever...just not ever!  No leaving me for anyone.  If there was even the slightest whiff of that happening then 'the Lover' would be a Man running scared.

 

2. Safety. Security.  Miss does not ever put Herself in any positions or situations where Her personal safety is compromised or at risk.

 

3. Miss must tell me that She is going to do this.  In other words, She's definitely decided to go ahead and 'take a Lover'.

 

4. i want to be included.  By that i mean Her lover or lovers must know about me, about sissy and that i am an important part of the dynamic.

 

5. Miss and i do not stop having a loving sexual relationship.  Granted there will be differences to the physical aspects with me and with a Lover or Lovers but i can never give Her up completely to anyone.

 

i sincerely hope i made those points clear to Miss.  So what happens next??  God knows!  Do i just sit back and let Miss get on with it?  Indeed, how will She get on with it?  Does She want to use the internet, does She want to go out somewhere with friends? Does She want me to come up with the ideas and make it happen for Her?  Or do i come up with the ideas and She uses them to make it happen?  i would willingly do whatever She asks. Amongst my random ramblings in response to Her knockout statement i talked of buying Her a special phone, wanting to help Her prepare for dates with new clothes and lingerie, a willingness to pay for restaurants, hotel rooms, providing lifts and pick ups for Her, anything that makes it seamless and enjoyable for Her. 

 

So many thoughts....so many possibilities.  If such things were predictable, here is how i could imagine one way of Miss 'taking a Lover'.....

 

She has an advert online.  Discreet. No photograph.  She describes Herself as a hot sexy blonde looking for fun with a reliable and trustworthy Man.  She describes Her current relationship as loving and permanent but with a lack of sexual fulfilment.  Something like Ashley Maddison. (a site set up intentionally for people to have safe and mutually satisfying affairs). Miss gets many responses - and She would!  Online messaging to start with and then eventually an exchange of pictures (with Her special phone of course!). An arranged date.  A first meeting.  i take Her and i discretely watch - unbeknown to the Man. Not a kink for me but SECURITY!

 

It may only take one date it may take two or three but eventually Miss will find someone who She thinks ticks all the right boxes for Her.  It is Her boxes that count - not mine.  From that moment on...She has Her lover.

 

If this is what Miss wants  - a lover - or maybe a spare or two as well - then what do i think would be in it for Her?

 

Everything this article describes:

 

http://www.rolereboot.org/sex-and-relationships/details/2015-07-why-having-a-lover-makes-me-a-better-wife/

 

...and....for me?  After all, that is what Miss was asking wasn't it?

 

A love for Her so strong that i'd be bursting with it. i'd feel so much closer to Her.  Competitive.  That's the testosterone - which can't be helped! Happy.  Happy because She would be happy. 

 

Perhaps most importantly for us both - how it would affect us both.  i see an end to all these stupid, relationship threatening arguments, which, all boil down to sex and me being a sissy. 

 

Thank you for reading all of that.  No pictures or erotic details.  They are not necessary.  What was necessary are my thoughts and musings over what has been a very difficult period for us both and the fact that we are still together shows how much we do care about each other. 

 

So is this the start of something? x